1 00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:05,704 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,274 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:12,744 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,914 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:19,217 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,654 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,267 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,929 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:46,445 The annual Quahog Star Trek convention, where once a year, 11 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:49,348 sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun 12 00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:51,856 and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight. 13 00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:57,589 Brian, look. I purchased authentic blueprints 14 00:00:57,658 --> 00:00:59,591 to build a Star Trek transporter. 15 00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,104 Well, that's great, Stewie. 16 00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:02,606 You should get William Shatner to sign them for you. 17 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,063 No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it. 18 00:01:05,132 --> 00:01:06,798 Picard has it all over Kirk. 19 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,735 He's poised and measured and doesn't wear a cheap rug. 20 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:13,338 Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, 21 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:17,709 "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms 22 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,579 "through any crisis in any galaxy." 23 00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:22,648 Are you queer? Probably. 24 00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:25,484 Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored. 25 00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:27,964 How can you be bored? This convention has everything. 26 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:30,388 You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR. 27 00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:39,097 Why would he wear these? Who would invent these for him? 28 00:01:41,803 --> 00:01:44,503 And in conclusion, whether your dreams 29 00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:47,172 are earthbound or set in the stars, 30 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:50,443 follow your heart and make it so. 31 00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:55,027 He said the thing he says on TV! 32 00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:58,750 Now the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions. 33 00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,352 Yes, so many questions! 34 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:04,256 Me! Me! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! 35 00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:06,659 Stu! Stu! Stu! 36 00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:10,006 Yes, you there. 37 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,831 Yes, I have a question. 38 00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:16,802 Oftentimes my household sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. 39 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,682 What can I do to prevent this? 40 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:22,007 That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly 41 00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:24,621 wring out your sponges after every usage. 42 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,791 This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. 43 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,015 A dry sponge is a happy sponge. 44 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,817 That's not a Star Trek question. 45 00:02:31,886 --> 00:02:33,852 I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. 46 00:02:33,921 --> 00:02:35,888 I have this itch on the back of my leg, 47 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:38,491 and I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin. 48 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,270 Do you take hot showers? Yes. 49 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,672 Dry skin. Thanks. 50 00:02:41,696 --> 00:02:43,907 These aren't Star Trek questions. What the hell? 51 00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,798 I have a question for Gates McFadden. 52 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,800 I've got an artesian well on my property 53 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,502 and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions? 54 00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:53,471 I would check the point first before re-priming it. 55 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,886 But remember that the summer months take a particular toll 56 00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:58,622 on any region's aquifer, depending on the local climate. 57 00:02:58,646 --> 00:02:59,686 This is horse shit! 58 00:02:59,746 --> 00:03:01,257 And that's the last question. 59 00:03:01,281 --> 00:03:04,183 Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. 60 00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:08,387 You bastards! 61 00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:10,667 I'll get my question answered one way or another. 62 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,201 All I'm saying is that in the episode 63 00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:13,945 "Relics," when Scotty rematerialized 64 00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:16,995 on the Jenolen, he referenced Captain Kirk still being alive, 65 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,431 which is ridiculous because he knew he watched him die 66 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,540 on the Enterprise B in Star Trek: Generations. 67 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,346 There's a perfectly simple explanation. 68 00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:26,538 He was caught in a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years 69 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:30,242 and Riker mentioned a 0.003% signal degradation, 70 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,689 which would account for Scotty's memory loss. 71 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,480 Well, well, look what we have here, Jonathan. 72 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,051 Yup, looks like we got ourselves a couple of nerds. 73 00:03:43,157 --> 00:03:44,656 Give me $6. 74 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,994 Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg. 75 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,329 Meg, come take your picture with this space-alien guy. 76 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:52,698 No, Dad. I don't want to. 77 00:03:52,767 --> 00:03:53,767 Come on. It'll be funny. 78 00:03:57,503 --> 00:04:00,137 A wonderful novelty photo this will make. 79 00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:03,018 Thanks so much, buddy. Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask? 80 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,443 It's not a mask. I have the mumps. 81 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:08,479 What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps? 82 00:04:08,548 --> 00:04:10,715 You could be infecting people with the disease. 83 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,149 Yeah, like that old gypsy did to 84 00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:14,185 Britney Spears in that Stephen King book. 85 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,287 Thicker! 86 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,804 Well, Meg has the mumps all right. 87 00:04:21,828 --> 00:04:23,539 How is it she was never immunized? 88 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:26,330 Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything 89 00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:29,100 that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's the big deal? 90 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:31,146 I never got a mumps shot. Really? 91 00:04:31,170 --> 00:04:33,316 Well, I'd caution you that getting the mumps as an adult 92 00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,318 could result in serious complications. 93 00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:38,421 In some cases, the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands. 94 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,810 Big deal. So I'll wear socks. 95 00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:42,091 Mr. Griffin, your testicles are not in your feet. 96 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,093 Well, where are they? Under your penis. 97 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,696 Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags 98 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,886 to keep flood waters from floating into my bum. 99 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,655 No. No, I'm just poking 100 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,790 at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed. 101 00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:54,937 I don't think you realize the danger. 102 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:58,062 Like the people who think it's okay to bring shampoo on an airplane. 103 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:02,266 So I told Brenda, "I work hard. I like a clean house when I come home." 104 00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,012 And now I'm the bad guy. 105 00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:05,904 Oh, I know exactly where you're coming... 106 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,505 Ow! It's in my eyes! 107 00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:16,814 See, Chris, come here. Come here, look. Check it out. 108 00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:19,584 Holy crap! No way! 109 00:05:20,753 --> 00:05:22,553 I know, huh? Classic. 110 00:05:23,690 --> 00:05:25,790 I got to forward this to my bud. 111 00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:34,132 Meg, I know you hate having to be in bed all day. 112 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,634 But your father's bringing in the old TV. 113 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:37,802 Hey, Meg. 114 00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:39,170 Peter, what the hell? 115 00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,716 I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois. 116 00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:41,806 Here's your TV, Meg. 117 00:05:41,875 --> 00:05:43,507 It's a little old and there's no remote 118 00:05:43,576 --> 00:05:47,578 and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now. 119 00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:50,081 Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two. 120 00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:07,732 This whole day has been one big laugh riot. 121 00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:13,972 Finally! 122 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,150 Up next, Kirk Cameron... 123 00:06:15,174 --> 00:06:16,174 Ooh! 124 00:06:16,242 --> 00:06:17,375 To talk about God. 125 00:06:17,443 --> 00:06:19,043 Oh. 126 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,557 Hi. Welcome to the Religion Channel's number one show, 127 00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,359 Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging. 128 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,183 With me, Kirk Cameron. 129 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:29,020 Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you, 130 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,600 even in the worst of times. 131 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,356 No, thanks. 132 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:36,794 But first, are you lonely, picked on, unappreciated, disliked, 133 00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:39,375 not totally happy with your physical appearance? 134 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,476 Go on. 135 00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:41,800 Are you unloved? 136 00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:44,213 Do you feel like no one cares about you? 137 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,705 Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go, honey. 138 00:06:50,477 --> 00:06:53,211 Well, you know who does love you? The Lord. 139 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,613 Here's your milk. 140 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:02,331 Rupert, my transporter is complete. 141 00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:05,657 If my calculations are correct, the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation 142 00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,965 will soon be here to answer all my questions. 143 00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,463 Wait a minute. Something's wrong. 144 00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,311 All right, you girls ready? 145 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:17,703 What's going on? 146 00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:19,938 Don't you laugh at it. 147 00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:27,945 Good morning, Mom and Dad. 148 00:07:28,014 --> 00:07:31,254 Wow! Look who's finally out of her room after five days. 149 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:35,020 Oh, you're alive. I guess you are gonna need that college fund. 150 00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,487 Chris, do Daddy a favor. 151 00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:39,657 In the garage, there is a very expensive show camel. 152 00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:42,026 Please return him to the bazaar for a refund. 153 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,672 We have to give away Humpy? 154 00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:45,174 I told you not to name him. 155 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,531 So, you feel better, Meg? 156 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,800 All better, Mom. 157 00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,107 I was made well by the hand of God. 158 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,270 "This is the day that the Lord hath made. 159 00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,672 "Let us rejoice and be glad in it." 160 00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:56,219 Meg, what are you talking about? 161 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:59,977 I'm talking about God, Mom. I've been reborn. 162 00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:02,125 That's right, folks. It's gonna be a Meg episode. 163 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,815 Stick around for the fun. 164 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,919 Here's the clicker. No one would blame you. 165 00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:15,927 What do you mean you found the Lord? 166 00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:18,107 I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. 167 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,142 Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. 168 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,099 The Lord is my savior. 169 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,812 It's that damn religion channel. 170 00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:25,914 She was watching it all day while she was bedridden. 171 00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:28,217 I want to share the word of God with everyone I know, 172 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,808 starting with my family. 173 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:31,642 Now, everyone hold hands, 174 00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:34,023 because we're gonna say grace before we eat. 175 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,180 Dad, would you like to do the honors? 176 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:41,019 Are you kidding? I'd love a chance to shine. All right, Peter, this is it. 177 00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:44,922 Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! 178 00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:47,758 I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. 179 00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:52,063 I tried left, left, up, B, dodge, uppercut, but he still knocks me out. 180 00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:53,543 And, you know, they say you're supposed to go 181 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,611 right, B, up, dodge, left, uppercut... 182 00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:58,281 Listen to me telling you how to play the game. 183 00:08:58,305 --> 00:09:01,639 Hey, you want to see a sweet porn website? Follow me upstairs. 184 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:06,021 I know what you're thinking, "Whoever heard of an erotic Chinese?" 185 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,245 But there it is. 186 00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:13,762 All right. Let's try this again. 187 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,392 It's them! I did it! 188 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:24,073 The cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation is here to answer my questions. 189 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,596 What the hell? Where am I? 190 00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:26,964 What's going on? 191 00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,445 Greetings, everyone. My name is Stewie Griffin. 192 00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,881 I've transported you all here against your will. 193 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,945 I'm a huge fan, and you're going to answer all my questions. 194 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,507 But you're a baby. 195 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,855 Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby. 196 00:09:40,546 --> 00:09:43,481 That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you're spoken to. 197 00:09:43,549 --> 00:09:45,383 Now, question number one. 198 00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:46,917 What's it like on the set? 199 00:09:46,986 --> 00:09:49,032 The show's been off the air for 15 years. 200 00:09:49,056 --> 00:09:51,322 Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun. 201 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,725 You know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. 202 00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,159 Oh, fuck you, Michael! 203 00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:57,595 Fifteen years later you've still got that attitude. 204 00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,598 Oh, my God, I am already having a fantastic time. 205 00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,711 Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together. 206 00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:04,635 Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow! 207 00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:05,737 Shut up, Wil. 208 00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:07,304 Stop it, Patrick. 209 00:10:07,373 --> 00:10:09,185 You know, I think you should all be nicer to Whil Wheaton. 210 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:11,743 The way I treat my colleagues... Wait, what? 211 00:10:11,811 --> 00:10:13,655 I said you ought to be nicer to Whil Wheaton. 212 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,457 You mean Wil Wheaton? Yes, Whil Wheaton. 213 00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:16,792 Why are you saying it like that? 214 00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:18,293 What? I'm just saying you should be nicer to Whil Wheaton. 215 00:10:18,317 --> 00:10:19,762 Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy. 216 00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,363 Say "wheat." Wheat. 217 00:10:21,387 --> 00:10:23,498 Now say "Wil Wheaton." Whil Wheaton. 218 00:10:23,522 --> 00:10:24,734 Wil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton. 219 00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,068 Wil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton. 220 00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:27,369 Wil Wheaton. Whil Wheaton. 221 00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:28,938 Wil Wheaton. Hey, did you hook up 222 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,405 with Whoopi Goldberg on the show? 223 00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:31,563 All the time. 224 00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,768 It's time for Kirk Cameron. 225 00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:39,904 And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message 226 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,173 about the word of God. 227 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,941 Again, Meg? 228 00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:45,455 You know, I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in, 229 00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:47,379 but there's such a thing as moderation. 230 00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:50,081 Mom, you sound like a nonbeliever. 231 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,195 Brian, you're a thoughtful person. 232 00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:55,031 Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth? 233 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,488 You're barking up the wrong tree, Meg. I'm an atheist. 234 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,860 What's that? I don't believe in God. 235 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:04,996 What? Brian, how can you say that? 236 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,065 Why, I just thought you knew. 237 00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,901 I mean, I never go to church. You know how I feel about that. 238 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:12,937 No. Brian, it's one thing to bash organized religion, 239 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:17,175 but we believe in God in this house. I mean, an atheist? 240 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,644 That's just about the worst thing a person can be. 241 00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:22,647 You're not gonna get anything for Christmas, Brian. 242 00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:23,826 Guys, I'm just trying to say... 243 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,417 Shut up, beast. 244 00:11:25,486 --> 00:11:28,364 I have dominion over you. And I command you to believe in God. 245 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,833 I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence. 246 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,602 I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope. 247 00:11:32,626 --> 00:11:36,261 It's discovered untold wonders of a vast, unexplored universe, 248 00:11:36,330 --> 00:11:39,697 but not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud. 249 00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:41,110 I mean, what's he doing up there? 250 00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:51,254 You know, you keep talking like that, God's gonna get you, Brian. 251 00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,178 He's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc. 252 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:56,647 ♪ Oh, God's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc ♪ 253 00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,756 I'm sorry. What were we talking about? 254 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,989 Hey, where the hell is my van? 255 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:11,028 Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater. 256 00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:13,576 Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? 257 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,177 I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad." 258 00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:16,401 I want some McNuggets. 259 00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:17,602 We'll get to you, Brent. 260 00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:20,304 I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. 261 00:12:20,374 --> 00:12:22,452 I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake... 262 00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:24,187 You'll get nothing and like it. 263 00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:26,222 Uh, hello? Yes. Welcome to McDonald's. 264 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,357 Can I help you? Hailing frequencies open, huh? 265 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,014 Okay. Yeah. 266 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:33,217 We're gonna get two McChicken sandwiches, and a Diet Coke. 267 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,287 And what do you want, Michael? A McDLT. 268 00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:38,589 No. I already told you they don't make those anymore. 269 00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:41,338 You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask. 270 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:44,262 No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore. 271 00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,308 I'd love a Shamrock Shake, if they've got any of those. 272 00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:47,665 It's September, Jonathan. 273 00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:50,079 Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off? 274 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,381 No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see. 275 00:12:52,405 --> 00:12:54,772 I'm just saying they have all the ingredients for a... 276 00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,753 Just hang on, all right? There's a lot of us in... 277 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,488 There's a lot of... It's a big order. 278 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,157 What time do they stop serving breakfast? 279 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,341 It's 3:00. 280 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,892 Some of them serve breakfast all day. 281 00:13:03,916 --> 00:13:05,628 None of them serve breakfast all day. 282 00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:06,717 Do they have beer? 283 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:10,633 Hey, Brian. 284 00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,668 In hopes that you'll open your heart to God, 285 00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,303 I wanted to give you this cross. 286 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,660 No, I don't want a crucifix. 287 00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:18,263 Would you want it if I threw it over there? 288 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,371 No. Please don't do that. 289 00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,343 You gonna get it, boy? No. Please, no. 290 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,444 Go get it, boy. 291 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:28,383 Okay. I'll take Jesus back now. 292 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:54,509 Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me. 293 00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:56,867 But unfortunately he's not available. 294 00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,448 So I got his younger brother from Growing Pains. 295 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:01,839 Will you guys buy me a case of Sudafed? 296 00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:03,875 Don't you want to tell Brian about Jesus? 297 00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:05,855 They got my picture up at the drugstore 298 00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:08,079 and they won't sell me any Sudafed. 299 00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:10,025 I'll make it worth your while. 300 00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:11,660 Ben. Dad. 301 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:17,221 Ben, what have I told you about trading sexual favors for Sudafed? 302 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,835 Look, Meg, I've had enough of this. You're not gonna convert me. 303 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:23,227 But, Brian, I just want you to feel the joy that I feel. 304 00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:26,041 I mean, the church makes me feel accepted and safe 305 00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:28,277 and part of something bigger than myself. 306 00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,502 But, Meg, you don't need an outside voice to feel those feelings. 307 00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:32,870 They're inside you. 308 00:14:32,939 --> 00:14:35,639 What you call God is inside you, all of us. 309 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,242 And I just hate to see people hating and killing each other 310 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:41,512 over their own interpretation of what they're not smart enough to understand. 311 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,581 You see what I'm saying? 312 00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,115 Oh, I do, Brian. 313 00:14:44,183 --> 00:14:46,484 And I think I know just what to do. 314 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:47,796 Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. 315 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,420 Our top story tonight: 316 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,534 Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, 317 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:55,359 Channel Five News has discovered that there is an atheist among us. 318 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:58,362 Local churchgoer and junior Christian soldier Meg Griffin 319 00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:01,898 has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street. 320 00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,912 Here's the reaction from city hall. 321 00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:06,203 Shocking to say the least. 322 00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:09,084 I'd rather have a terrorist living in our midst. 323 00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:11,086 At least they believe in a God, 324 00:15:11,110 --> 00:15:14,044 even if it's a smelly brown God. 325 00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:16,659 Meg, how the hell could you do something like this? 326 00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:19,282 If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian. 327 00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:21,196 All right, what's... What's the worst that could happen? 328 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:24,180 This is the 21st century. People are tolerant. 329 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,490 Well, this is nothing. 330 00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:29,719 Probably just a random act of violence. 331 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,397 I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius. 332 00:15:43,976 --> 00:15:45,943 Oh, my God! That was a close one. 333 00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:48,679 Brian, what happened? I'm a pariah, Lois. 334 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,526 Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist, 335 00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,616 I'm the most hated person in town. 336 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,463 I tried to rent a movie and they threw me out. 337 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,832 I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out. 338 00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:58,256 But the most serious part of it is 339 00:15:58,324 --> 00:15:59,957 no bar would serve me a drink. 340 00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:01,726 I'm starting to get pretty desperate. 341 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:04,206 Okay, just remember to act confident. You're gonna do great. 342 00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:06,464 You look real grown up. 343 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,400 Uh, yes, I'd like to buy some alcohol, please. 344 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,001 Okay, can I see your ID? 345 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,803 I don't have one. 346 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,406 You don't? No, it's me, Chris. 347 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,585 Oh, hey, Chris. 348 00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:19,143 Hey, Carl. Can I buy some alcohol? 349 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,512 No. Oh, okay. 350 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,325 Hey, you know what's a great movie? 351 00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,415 The Reaping? 352 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:28,152 Yeah. Why are you dressed like John Lithgow? 353 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:29,998 Well, if you ask me, I think laying off 354 00:16:30,022 --> 00:16:31,734 the sauce could do you some good, Brian. 355 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:34,091 Yeah, right. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen. 356 00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:41,077 You know who doesn't have all these problems? Marmaduke. 357 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,379 All he does is eat pies off the high counter. 358 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:46,749 Next time around, we're gonna get ourselves a big, tall, pie-eating dog, Lois. 359 00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:47,773 Okay, Peter. 360 00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:50,041 Or Howard Huge. Let's get Howard Huge. 361 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,950 Great. We have a game plan. 362 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:04,189 Hold it together, Brian. Hold it together. 363 00:17:04,258 --> 00:17:06,424 Come on. You know you want a drink. 364 00:17:06,492 --> 00:17:08,893 Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us. 365 00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:11,963 Come on, drink me. What are you waiting for? 366 00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:13,665 Yeah, you big silly ass. 367 00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:16,478 Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp. 368 00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,069 Get to the chopper. 369 00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:27,089 I right, everybody got your bowling shoes? 370 00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:28,257 Everybody got your balls? 371 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,424 I don't have my shoes. 372 00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:30,626 Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. 373 00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:32,027 Why didn't you get your shoes? 374 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,828 I don't have my shoes, either. What the hell? 375 00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,286 You need your shoes to bowl. 376 00:17:35,354 --> 00:17:37,832 Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? 377 00:17:37,856 --> 00:17:39,223 What is the danger there? 378 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,593 Because, Patrick... Because, Patrick, those are the rules. 379 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:46,330 Well, I think it's just because they want another $1.50 from me. 380 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:47,943 All right, I'm putting our names in. 381 00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,644 Brent. No, no. Don't put Brent. 382 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,335 Put Rock Kickass. 383 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,149 I don't know how to change it. I already typed it in. 384 00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:55,316 For mine, put Dirk Diggler. 385 00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:57,141 I'm not gonna put everyone as a fake name. 386 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,587 How do you want to do the teams? 387 00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,488 How about the white guys against the black guys? 388 00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:01,723 Patrick, don't be an instigator. 389 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,491 I have to pee. Brent, take Michael 390 00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:04,581 to the bathroom, please. 391 00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:05,816 Okay. 392 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:10,121 Look at me. I've got girl boobs. 393 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:22,099 Hey, Meg, guess what? I've seen the light. 394 00:18:22,168 --> 00:18:23,645 Really? Yes. 395 00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:27,237 Hallelujah! I believe in God! Lordy, Lordy, I believe! 396 00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:29,384 Brian, that's fantastic news. 397 00:18:29,408 --> 00:18:30,674 I know. I know. 398 00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:32,609 Hey, you mind spreading the news around town? 399 00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:35,913 Say maybe down at the liquor store? Maybe down at The Clam? 400 00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:39,016 Of course, Brian. But first we have work to do. 401 00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:42,152 God's work. And God will be happy that you're joining me. 402 00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:43,887 Then I say let's celebrate the way 403 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,466 they did in the Bible. With wine, red wine. 404 00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:46,610 You know, like Jesus drank. 405 00:18:48,594 --> 00:18:49,794 Do you like the wine? 406 00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:51,195 Very much. What is it? 407 00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:52,529 It's my blood. 408 00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,132 I have to leave. 409 00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:56,241 Nah, sit down. 410 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,306 Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg. 411 00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:04,775 I feel the warm, healing, liquid presence 412 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,177 of God's genuine, cold-filtered grace. 413 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:08,913 It was my pleasure, Brian. 414 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:12,383 And now we get to do the work of the Lord. 415 00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:14,196 Come on. What? What are we doing? 416 00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:15,786 God's will, Brian. 417 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,625 A book burning? 418 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:22,337 Come on. Grab an armful. 419 00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:25,321 We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God. 420 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,871 Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you. 421 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,007 What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian. 422 00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,596 Well, to be honest, I lied for booze. 423 00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:40,244 But, Meg, you're a smart girl. 424 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,524 You ought to be able to see that what's going on here is wrong. 425 00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:45,249 You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian. 426 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,454 Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this. 427 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,055 If there were a God, 428 00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:52,601 would he have put you here on Earth 429 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,603 with a flat chest and a fat ass? 430 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,028 I'm made in his image. 431 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,395 Really? 432 00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:00,242 Would he give you a smoking hot mom like Lois 433 00:20:00,266 --> 00:20:02,299 and then have you grow up looking like Peter? 434 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,528 Well... 435 00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:05,380 And what kind of God would put you in a house 436 00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:07,371 where no one respects or cares about you, 437 00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:10,007 not even enough to get you a damn mumps shot? 438 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,009 Oh, no! 439 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:16,013 You're right, Brian. You're right. 440 00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:17,280 I'm sorry, Meg. 441 00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:20,017 But what is there to believe in without God? 442 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,830 Where do the answers come from? 443 00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,821 Well, that's all part of the human experience. 444 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,823 It's what we're here to find out. 445 00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,793 And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence 446 00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:32,797 is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive. 447 00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:38,663 Rob? Did you hear that? 448 00:21:40,099 --> 00:21:41,259 Hear what? 449 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:43,867 I swear I heard something. 450 00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:47,204 Adam, we have been over and over this. 451 00:21:47,273 --> 00:21:49,150 There is nothing under your bed. 452 00:21:49,174 --> 00:21:51,286 There is nothing in the closet. 453 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:54,711 There are no such things as monsters. 454 00:21:54,780 --> 00:21:55,900 All right? 455 00:21:57,583 --> 00:21:59,149 All right, I guess. 456 00:21:59,218 --> 00:22:01,051 Good. 457 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:05,021 Now, try to go to sleep 'cause we got to get up in the morning and make movies. 458 00:22:05,090 --> 00:22:06,857 We're big Hollywood actors. 459 00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:09,761 Yeah, we are. 460 00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:26,310 This was exhausting. 461 00:22:26,378 --> 00:22:29,612 This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. 462 00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:32,716 You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. 463 00:22:32,784 --> 00:22:35,886 You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses 464 00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:37,899 I have ever had the misfortune of spending 465 00:22:37,923 --> 00:22:41,291 an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. 466 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,638 I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. 467 00:22:43,662 --> 00:22:46,430 There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this. 468 00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:50,434 Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper. 469 00:22:50,502 --> 00:22:51,847 Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? 470 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:53,114 Yeah. We were gonna share it. 471 00:22:53,138 --> 00:22:54,282 Really? How was that gonna work? 472 00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:55,472 Three days at my house, 473 00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:58,008 three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. 474 00:22:58,076 --> 00:22:59,576 For a pencil topper? 475 00:22:59,645 --> 00:23:00,688 I have to pee again. 476 00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:01,912 That's it. Goodbye. 477 00:23:03,616 --> 00:23:04,816 Fuck! 478 00:23:38,718 --> 00:23:39,798 English - US - Line 21